2AM Guilts

I've got a bad case of the 2:00 am guilts -
You know, when you lie in bed awake
And replay all those things you didn't do right?
Because, as we all know,
Nothing helps you cope insomnia;
Like a nice warm glass of regret,
Depression and self-loathing... 🍻

When We Grow Up...

Whenever we grow,
We tend to feel it,
As a young seed must feel the weight
And inertia of the earth
As it seeks to break out of its shell
On its way to becoming a plant.
Often the feeling is anything but pleasant.
But what is most unpleasant is
The not knowing what is happening.
Those long periods when something
Inside ourselves seems to be waiting,
Holding its breath,
Unsure about what the next step should be,
Eventually become the periods we wait for,
For it is in those periods that we realize
That we are being prepared
For the next phase of our life and that,
In all probability,
A new level of the personality
Is about to be revealed....
So;
Some periods of our growth
Are so confusing,
That we don’t even recognize
That growth is happening.
We may feel hostile or angry or weepy
And hysterical,
Or we may feel depressed.
It would never occur to us,
Unless we stumbled on a book
Or a person who explained to us,
That we were in fact in the process
Of change,
Of actually becoming larger,
Spiritually, than we were before...
     -Anonymous

Rain ☔

Rain makes me feel less alone...
Rain is a cloud- falling apart,
And pouring its shattered pieces
Down on top of you...
It makes me feel good to know
That I'm not the only thing that falls apart...
It makes me feel better
To know that im not the only one
But there are other things in nature
That shatter & falls apart...

Worst Years of My Life

"First Year was the worst,"
"And The Second Year... It was the worst too...
The Third,  Final, Next Years; I didn't enjoy at all.
After that I went into a bit of a decline...
I gave up on all hopes
And i gave up on my life itself
Knowing that,
Even worse years are yet to come🖕

My Mom

My mother,
Wanting us to be happy,
Trynna keep us happy,
Depsite all the hardships and sufferings
She's been thru & she's going thru...
Is telling me to be happy: "Son, smile!
Why don't you ever smile?"
And then, she would smile...
To show me how;
And it was the
Saddest and most heartbreaking
Smile I've ever seen...

Addictions Urges

I used to think that i was addicted to smoking,

Yet here i am fucking restless

To find something sharp,

Forgetting all about smoking...

It just made me Realized that

I wasn't experiencing an addiction

Not at-least at its purest and most vulnerable form til now 😂😂😂

I guess I have almost forgotten the rush,

The desire and the feeling for so fucking long!!!

Being Selfish

When Suicide ain't an option,
Because it would leave Your family devastated...
So instead wishing you were dead or wishing you to get terminally ill/sick...
While you hate even the thought of one of your loved ones even catching a little cold or worry to see them upset or sad;
Is the most self-centered, selfish thing you could ever do...
And here i am being sooo damn selfish and self-centered by definition, like a bastard!!! 🖕

Feeling Worthless

Total worthlessness; Whole selfloathness...

Fucking Helplessness; Complete Hopefulness of Hopelessness ...

A Life of Meaningless; A mind Full of Life's Meaninglessness,

Mindfulness of Livelessness; Concentration on hatefulness

A Life Full of a Bunch of Regrets

A Body Full of Self Inflicted Wounds

A Soul Full of Shame and Humiliation

...

Living for the Sake of Them; Whom i Adore Without Conditions...

Eventhough i loath myself,
Even i don't love myself,
And even my life aint worth living;
Living for the ones i Love is worth!
So it makes it even as if i loved my life,
And it is  worth living for!
Yet, that doesn't mean that i enjoy it myself;
For it really is a living hell,
For most of'em don't even know it
And sometimes they think that
You are sick in the head!

Fuck My Existence 🖕🖕🖕

My Soul; An Epitome of Suffering;
For My Life Always Keep Find Its Way
Crawling Back Into These Deep
Fiery Pits Of Eternal Hells...
Where It Makes My Whole Life Stranded
In This Beautifully Yet Depressingly
Constructed Mess of Thoughts,
Which Fatally Yet Steadily Affects
My Depressed Conscience & Fucks My Mind;
Hence My Thoughts: Over & Over Again...
I Ponder How Long These
Flames Are Gonna Keep Testing Me
For I Have Nor Courage
Neither a Reason To Reason
- The Pathetic Excuse For My Mere Existence -
Left In Me To Keep Going Like This... 💀💀💀

                                                                     ✍️✍️✍️

Thoughts 🖕

I know, when people kill themselves,
They think that they are ending the pain 😂🖕
But all they are doing is, passing it on to those they leave behind;
Who were actually so close to them!!!
Cuz the person who completes suicide,
Dies once...
But those who he/she leaves behind, die a thousand deaths;
Trynna relive those terrible moments trying to understand why...
See i know it's an act of fucking selfishness...
Cuz it is way more worse than killing another man...
Cuz the man who kills a man just kills a man.
But the man who kills himself kills all men;
As far as he is concerned,
He wipes out an entire world;
A whole universe's existence comes to an end...
Including all the people, all the animals
and all the gods and beliefs which once existed in his world...
If you come to think of it,
There's a terrible yet a deep concept in it to grasp...
And that's why i won't ever act on the thought of killing myself,
But keep it as an option just to keep my inner peace and sanity intact ...
I mean Thinking about not being here anymore;
Having not to deal with the stress...
It soothes the fuck outta me....
I find it very comforting that the option of suicide will always be there for me.
So, when I think that I will end up killing myself one day,
That thought alone puts me at ease...
So, for me, the notion of suicide is my escape plan if things get worse.
I know...
It's a strange thing to know that it's always gonna be there for me.
There's always an option you know?
I like the thought of it.
Whenever I'm at my worst,
And when it becomes the Mental Olympics to get out of
Bed and move through another day,
The realization that everything could come to a halt whenever I wish, is the ultimate comfort...
I mean, this thought makes me feel like i have the ultimate control over my life...
And life can't do shit to me, but i cud end it right here,  right now if i needed...
That's a great consolation...
Actually when i come to think of it,
I feel like thinking about death is the only thing that makes me happy anymore;
In fact it's the only thing that makes me feel anything for real at all in this pathetic excuse for my worthless existence...
I know, I don't think you trust
In my self-righteous suicide...
But tell me; Nobody who is alive asked to be born right?
Not me,  not you, not anyone...
And we all are allowed to dislike anything in life; Except for life itself... Which i find too damn odd!!!
We can say good bye to anything or anyone;
Never to be seen, never to be touched or never to be heard from again...But life...
On a funny note; Being able to kill yourself is kind of a gift... you can do anything and get away with it, i mean anything 😂😂😂
I know i know... It's a bit dark, but also kind of inspiring, ain't it!?
Anyways i have been very close three times...
But this shrink, made me realise that,
I would be throwing my problems in the face of my parents, my siblings and the others.
So I returned...
And I no longer feel comforted by the thought of leaving my parents and brothers devasted for their life just because of me...
That feeling is more terribly intense than the comfort I find in actually doing it.
But every birthday, i know I am one step closer to the finish line.
So i use this method to stay away from actually doing it!
Anyways to all the fuckers who don't understand the mentality level of a suicidal person... It ain't about their IQ level, neither it is about reasoning... It could happen to anyone... So this so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill him/herself doesn’t do so because death seems suddenly appealing...
The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill him/herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise.
Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows.
Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant.
The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors.
It’s not about desiring the fall; it’s the terror of the burning and flames.
And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump.
Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt the very same flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.
And for finding comfort in the thought of suicide;
Let's say you're a jet pilot.
If the plane catches on fire - even at the enemy territory -
It's still an immense comfort to know that you'll always have the eject button beside you.
Nevertheless the sequence of series of events which are to take place with getting interrogated, tortured and finally getting killed by your barbaric terrorists...
So it's like this saying...
"The thought of suicide is a great consolation;
By means of it, one gets through many a dark night.”
But still it's also so scary sometimes; for I know I will do it one day.
Cuz i know deep inside that the thought of suicide is just balm on a very raw wound...
And if You do too...
But You really love and care for your parents and if you really wanna show that to your parents and Siblings...  Just don't say that you'd die for'em...
Instead stay alive for'em... Hang on for the sake of their happiness, for their lives!!!
I am just talking to myself here 😂😂😂
#fml