Ohh Death; The Sweetest Friend O' Mine

It calls me closer, it calls me near
"Just once and it'll be over"
Death whispers in my ear
Irresistible is its sweet entice
Staring down, which one to slice,
I observe my previous tries
My unseen hurt and earlier cries
Whether it's depression or something else,
I dunno why i feel this way...
Many will call this many a names,
Yet i dunno what i feel inside my brain...
No peace in my mind, no peace in my head
The quiet intelligent me, long since fled
Anger and rage consume me
My mind's demons are screaming to be free
The walls of my mind's cage keeps getting caved in...
"Just be still,
Enjoy the rush,
Feel the gush
Of warm and thick and red blood"
I slash down with an improvised knife
First the right wrist,
Then the left...
Blood oozes
And drips down the drain...
A slight tingle with real enjoyable pain,
Once was one layer of skin and a layer of muscle...
Now a fold of muscles apart with a bottom of yellowish pink, the layer of fat i guess!
A Calmness comes over me
My head feels heavy,
I get dizzy and legs go weak...
Both my hands become numb...
Darkness surrounds me,
I get a glimpse of this never ending abyss
I embrace the darkness,
Where me and my thoughts are alone...
I light up a cigarette sit down on the lidded toilet seat...
Writing my thoughts in empty space,
With the smoke as it leaves my lips...
And the journal for today is taken down
When atleast 4 or 5 cigarettes were burnt down...
There goes another day of my never ending shitty life...
Fuck me 😂😂😂

Being Miserable

If you cant look
Forward to tomorrow...
What's the point of today?
I want to leave this earth,
But all these fucking bonds are
Making me stay...
The angel of death has
Been breathing down my neck
Since i got to this fucking place...
And these voices in my head
Are getting too loud to ignore...
And the pain is getting too much to bear...
All this hatred,  regrets
And sorrow is turning
Me into this beast,
That i didn't even know
That i had in me...
Regretting and digging knives into my arms...
This act is starting to get real old...
I need something to start afresh...
Maybe a new life...
I think i've gotta bid my farewell to my kins i love...

The Painter I Am

My wrist, my canvas
My blade, my paintbrush
Across my flesh
A stroke of red
Dripping down
Thoughts of guilt
My wrist of scars
My canvas of blood
Such pretty strokes
OmyGoodness;
Such painful thoughts...

Days

He knows bad days.
Bad days take him completely by surprise.
They make him not trust
The good days
Because it's likely something
Is lurking twenty-four hours away...

The Reverse Nightmare

What happened when you woke up?"
"I was having a dream. I don’t know what it was, but when I woke up, I had this awful realization that I was awake. It hit me like a brick in the groin."
"Like a brick in the groin, I see."
"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."
And what is that nightmare, Craig?"
"Life."
"Life is a nightmare."
"Yes."

     

              -Vizzini

Inside This MessedUp Mind

It's like I have this large
Black hole in my brain...
And it's sucking the life out of me.
The answers are in there somewhere...
So I sit for hours and stare.
But no matter how hard and long I look,
I only see darkness, even at noon... 🖕

Me Avoiding Me Friends

I wanted to tell people,
"My depression is acting up today"
As an excuse for not seeing them,
But I never managed to pull it off...
So here i am...
Looking like a looser,
Who wanna be in his dark and gloomy room,
On a fine Sunday morning...

The Shift

The Shift is coming.
The Shift has to be coming.
Because if I keep living like this,
I'll Fucking die...

Begging to Feel Something

It’s not only about sadness.
In truth, sadness really has very little
To do with it.
Depression is pain and state of regret
In their purest forms...
And I would do anything
To be able to feel an emotion again...
Any emotion at all.
Pain is an emotion, i can feel it alright,
And it hurts,
But pain is so powerful,
That you can’t feel anything anymore,
Not even pain itself...
And
That’s when you start to feel
Like you’re going crazy...

Nevertheless,  a feeling at last... 😂😂😂

Depression Definition

Perhaps depression
Is caused by;
Asking oneself too many
Unanswerable questions...

a Funeral in My Head

I felt a Funeral in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading – treading – till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through,
And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum kept beating...
Beating – till I thought
My Mind was going numb...
And then I heard them lift a Box
And a creak across my Soul...
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space – began to toll,
As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here...
And then a Plank in Reason broke,
And I dropped down, and down...
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing...
I am at peace at last...


 -Emily

Feeling S-ui-cidal

It's so hard to talk
When you want to kill yourself.
That's above and beyond everything else,
And it's not a mental complaint,
It's a physical thing,
Like it's physically hard
To open your mouth
And make the words come out.
They don't come out smooth
And in conjunction with your brain
The way normal people's words do;
They come out in chunks
As if from a crushed-ice dispenser;
You stumble on them
As they gather behind your lower lip.
So you just keep quiet.

Perceptions We See

They say that depression
Makes you see everything
In a negative light.
I disagree.
It makes you see things
For what they are.
It makes you take off the
Fucking rose-tinted glasses
And look around and see
The world as it really is
-Cruel,
Harsh,
And unfair.
It makes you see people
In their true colours
- Stupid,
Shallow
And self-absorbed.
All that ridiculous optimism,
All that carpe diem
And life-is-what-you-make-of-it...
Words...
Just empty words in an attempt
To give meaning to
An existence
That is both doomed and futile...

A Deep Burried Mind of Mine

There's another mind that resides deep within me,
Which awakes around midnight
Showing me this one possibilty
Of me being happy;
Yet that choice creeps me out,
Cuz of what would it would do to my loved ones,
All my mind, my gut and my heart say to follow that path;
A clean slate...
A fresh start...
May it be heaven, hell or some other place; any other place but here...
I just need a fresh start...
Those deep burried thoughts...
Though quiet and won't come out of that deep burried mind when I'm with my family and my friends...
It keeps me accompanied when I'm on my own...
As much as I know that friendship ain't doing any good to me...
I love that company of mutual understanding...

Tears...

Each and every single year
For the last couple of years,
I'm drowning in oceans of tears
I can't seem to forget the pain
I seem to give...
The pain I seem to give my family and friends...
I hoped that my Demons would drown in those tears...
Instead they danced and did feast on them tears...
By the memories of those years...
All the haunting memories and things i regret, wishing i could've done differently...
I've been losing parts of me year by year...
True; I should keep them in my rear view mirror even i weep over those in fear...
Knives, paper cutters, blades and scalpels have become my gear...
I've dug them into my arms without shedding a tear,
Cigarettes, whiskey, Beedees and Weed have replaced my beer,
I've been drowning in'em,
Since beer haven't been able to do the trick of changing this reality I'm in for reals...
Dark thoughts,
Fucking nightmares,
Hugging bears with knives and shit...
Have been my reality for the last 3 or 4 years...
I've made friends with'em cuz they make me feel alive and real
For I really can't seem to differentiate
Between what is real and what is not,
Cuz i haven't been real even to myself in all these years...
No talent,
Ain't got skills,
Too sensitive like a fucking girl,
Being unable to express myself,
Being not good for nothing,
I really do suck ass...
I've been this coward,
Who's been a burden to my family and my friends who have never complained
And still are cool with me even if i am luring them into the gain of my needs like a cruel ass manipulator...
Have got nothing,
Ain't nor a help to anyone,
Always asking for this and that from everyone...
Man, how much i hate my life, myself and the fact of me being in this world...
Everyone will be fine and do better without my lazy ass,
Crazy ass,
And fucked up existence...
And that's one of the few things I'm real sure of...

Soldiers 💜💜💜

How the wicked bullet pierced through
His brow which is so brave
His black lit up eyes suddenly lost them sparks;
They froze...
Only her son's bloody beret in her hands, she wept;
Oh Loving Mother as much as I'd love to tell You,
I would be lying to you and to myself,
If i said he would come back to us someday...
Beautiful mother,
Dear mother,
It aint easy...
But He was a man forged in hell fire...
Brave and fought as a Lion,
Helped and lived as a Saint,
Cheerful, Joyess and Mischievous as a Child,
He was the braniac of all our Divisions...
Oh Dear mother,
You have done the perfect job a mother could do
At nurturing Her Boy...
And Dear father...
He fought so well,
It was just his bravery and humanity that got him killed...
He pulled back one of our own young newbloods from death,
He knew he'd have to pay a price by exchanging his life for that new kid's life instead...
But what makes him a saint is that,
The final words he uttered at me just before he went to rescue that kid...
"Dude we have lived and had joyed,
That young kid can't die without having any of those,
He has a long journey ahead of him, maybe way more longer than mine..."
He died our Mentor, our unit's Highest rank...
Please forgive him for making You sad...
And Dear Brother, You have moulded a great brother by standing beside him...
We know that eventhough he had so many brothers in combat,
He had a very special place in His heart for the brother You were...
And Dearest Brother, i know that You've got only this man
To call and cherish as Your Brother, i know mate,
You share all his childhood memories,
And now, you have noone to reminisce and share them with...
And it sucks...
I know that...
But Be brave little fella,
Be more prouda of being
The little brother of this man of steel
With a heart full of kindness...
And dear Sister...
He was always crazy about You,
How You were being the greatest wife a woman could make...
How much of a role model You were, when it came to raising Your kids as a mother...
Dear Sister...
I know You'd cry alone for years...
Til the day you die...
May them be, tears of proud, happy about him, as much as they would be tears of sadness...
We are always here,
Thousands of his brothers...
Hence Your brothers...
Even you get a different family name in future...
We will still be
At Your service our ever loving sister...
He always wanted the best for you...
So,
You ain't alone...
His spirit will always be with You...
Blessing and protecting You...
Oh my dearest cute little sons of a gun...
Your dad...
He was the definition of a Real Life Hero...
Just remember that...
Whenever you need someone...
Your uncles with uniforms as ones like Your heroic Dad used to wear,
Will be just one phone call away...
We will always be there for You Little Buddy...
If You want us to be at a fight against some asshole,
Or
If You want us to be at Your bachelor party...
Hell,
If You wanna raise hell...
We'd always be there for You my son...
And Dearest little Daughter...
If Someone hurts You...
If someone calls You by names...
Your uncles are just one phone call away from You honey...
Be good kids,
Love your mother as much as You'd love your father...
For she fights a fight all alone as great a fight Your Dad fought and died fought...
Make them proud my children...
Make Your Dad proud,
Who died a hero,
Just to save a bunch of other souls...
Who shall live forever in our hearts and minds...

A Letter To My Brother 💜

You will save more lives
Than you will take...
Most of them lives You save,
By sacrificing your kind,
Who won't even have the minutest clue
Of Your sacrifices...
And this life of yours;
The life you chose...
Will be a hard life,
Maybe a short one...
Your families... i.e. us;
Share you with all our motherland,
That's Us Being as much selfless as You are...
You will laugh at me for saying that we are being selfless and we sacrifice as much as you do...
I mean, you have all the right at it...
But trust me...
Losing ourselves is okay,
But loosing our dearest son, husband, brother, friend just for us, for the sake of the people we don't even know,
For the sake of the people who criticize You, and what you do...
Maybe we will have to do with the crumbs,
Cuz if we are to lose you,
Nothing in this world will replace that damn hole you leave in our lives...
And Brother of mine...
You'll miss many graduations,
Many anniversaries,
And weddings,
Where we will miss our brother, husband, son and friend...
Maybe, on your child's birthday,
Bullets will rain atop some sick bay
You would wish you'd be there for your mates...
While we would wish you were with us, with your son instead...
Yea it won't be easy, won't be a piece of cake,
Still it'll be worth every second...
For Your love is such a love...
That even if it consumes You,
Even if it kills You,
You will never let go,
Til it's the last bullet Your mag has got,
Til it's the last drop of blood Your veins have run out,
Til it's the last breath Your lungs got...
You'll sacrifice Yourself for the greater good of millions of us...
Love You and owe You big time Brother o'Mine 😘😘😘

Depression

Depression has a different quality
Than the normal range of
Boredom and sadness that you may feel throughout the day.
When you are depressed
You do not feel like being with anybody.
Not even Yourself...
You either sleep way more than usual
Or you can hardly sleep at all...
Similarly, your appetite is
Either nonexistent
Or increases dramatically.
Your energy level goes way down,
And you have this feeling of hopelessness about life...

🖕

Reality Is a Regime - Of my Darkest dreams;
Them merciless dreams - Nurture my silent yet evil screams...
Trynna Hold On - But The fight is nearly gone...
Ain't too strong - Can't hang in here no more.
The hell im in - Is far too deep
I hate everything - Even the person im being
It's hard to believe - That this is me.
I never saw myself falling to the blade,
Making friends with a knife,
Always ending up with a sigh,
Looking like a lunatic so naive,
To the whole world outside...
But self-loathing and hate,
Make me hide in shades.
Darkest Emotions do raide - They make all my attempts go invain
My Prayers are slayed - I aint got no aid
I'd trade anything to feel something great
Hence come the cravings for blades...
Hurt and confused - Broke and bruised...
Painted wrists with a fainted soul,
Shivering wrists with a blood filled bowl,
Reddened eyes with blood pumped veins,
Widened eyes so full of rage,
Sleepless eyes so full of hate,
Fucked up life of a miserable soul,
Stuck in a loop til he gets this one phone call,
From the death itself so he can go...

💜

I have Lost my Faith,
I've got none left,
I've lost hope except for one...
i.e.
When tomorrow comes,
That It'll bring death... 🖤

Futility of Life...

We Don’t Remember Birth,
We Won’t Remember Death,
The Futility of Life...
The Inevitability of Death...
Why Breathe in,
For Your Dying Breath?