Being Miserable

If you cant look
Forward to tomorrow...
What's the point of today?
I want to leave this earth,
But all these fucking bonds are
Making me stay...
The angel of death has
Been breathing down my neck
Since i got to this fucking place...
And these voices in my head
Are getting too loud to ignore...
And the pain is getting too much to bear...
All this hatred,  regrets
And sorrow is turning
Me into this beast,
That i didn't even know
That i had in me...
Regretting and digging knives into my arms...
This act is starting to get real old...
I need something to start afresh...
Maybe a new life...
I think i've gotta bid my farewell to my kins i love...

The Painter I Am

My wrist, my canvas
My blade, my paintbrush
Across my flesh
A stroke of red
Dripping down
Thoughts of guilt
My wrist of scars
My canvas of blood
Such pretty strokes
OmyGoodness;
Such painful thoughts...

Days

He knows bad days.
Bad days take him completely by surprise.
They make him not trust
The good days
Because it's likely something
Is lurking twenty-four hours away...

The Reverse Nightmare

What happened when you woke up?"
"I was having a dream. I don’t know what it was, but when I woke up, I had this awful realization that I was awake. It hit me like a brick in the groin."
"Like a brick in the groin, I see."
"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."
And what is that nightmare, Craig?"
"Life."
"Life is a nightmare."
"Yes."

     

              -Vizzini

Inside This MessedUp Mind

It's like I have this large
Black hole in my brain...
And it's sucking the life out of me.
The answers are in there somewhere...
So I sit for hours and stare.
But no matter how hard and long I look,
I only see darkness, even at noon... 🖕

Me Avoiding Me Friends

I wanted to tell people,
"My depression is acting up today"
As an excuse for not seeing them,
But I never managed to pull it off...
So here i am...
Looking like a looser,
Who wanna be in his dark and gloomy room,
On a fine Sunday morning...

The Shift

The Shift is coming.
The Shift has to be coming.
Because if I keep living like this,
I'll Fucking die...

Begging to Feel Something

It’s not only about sadness.
In truth, sadness really has very little
To do with it.
Depression is pain and state of regret
In their purest forms...
And I would do anything
To be able to feel an emotion again...
Any emotion at all.
Pain is an emotion, i can feel it alright,
And it hurts,
But pain is so powerful,
That you can’t feel anything anymore,
Not even pain itself...
And
That’s when you start to feel
Like you’re going crazy...

Nevertheless,  a feeling at last... 😂😂😂

Depression Definition

Perhaps depression
Is caused by;
Asking oneself too many
Unanswerable questions...

a Funeral in My Head

I felt a Funeral in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading – treading – till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through,
And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum kept beating...
Beating – till I thought
My Mind was going numb...
And then I heard them lift a Box
And a creak across my Soul...
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space – began to toll,
As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here...
And then a Plank in Reason broke,
And I dropped down, and down...
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing...
I am at peace at last...


 -Emily

Feeling S-ui-cidal

It's so hard to talk
When you want to kill yourself.
That's above and beyond everything else,
And it's not a mental complaint,
It's a physical thing,
Like it's physically hard
To open your mouth
And make the words come out.
They don't come out smooth
And in conjunction with your brain
The way normal people's words do;
They come out in chunks
As if from a crushed-ice dispenser;
You stumble on them
As they gather behind your lower lip.
So you just keep quiet.

Perceptions We See

They say that depression
Makes you see everything
In a negative light.
I disagree.
It makes you see things
For what they are.
It makes you take off the
Fucking rose-tinted glasses
And look around and see
The world as it really is
-Cruel,
Harsh,
And unfair.
It makes you see people
In their true colours
- Stupid,
Shallow
And self-absorbed.
All that ridiculous optimism,
All that carpe diem
And life-is-what-you-make-of-it...
Words...
Just empty words in an attempt
To give meaning to
An existence
That is both doomed and futile...

A Deep Burried Mind of Mine

There's another mind that resides deep within me,
Which awakes around midnight
Showing me this one possibilty
Of me being happy;
Yet that choice creeps me out,
Cuz of what would it would do to my loved ones,
All my mind, my gut and my heart say to follow that path;
A clean slate...
A fresh start...
May it be heaven, hell or some other place; any other place but here...
I just need a fresh start...
Those deep burried thoughts...
Though quiet and won't come out of that deep burried mind when I'm with my family and my friends...
It keeps me accompanied when I'm on my own...
As much as I know that friendship ain't doing any good to me...
I love that company of mutual understanding...

Tears...

Each and every single year
For the last couple of years,
I'm drowning in oceans of tears
I can't seem to forget the pain
I seem to give...
The pain I seem to give my family and friends...
I hoped that my Demons would drown in those tears...
Instead they danced and did feast on them tears...
By the memories of those years...
All the haunting memories and things i regret, wishing i could've done differently...
I've been losing parts of me year by year...
True; I should keep them in my rear view mirror even i weep over those in fear...
Knives, paper cutters, blades and scalpels have become my gear...
I've dug them into my arms without shedding a tear,
Cigarettes, whiskey, Beedees and Weed have replaced my beer,
I've been drowning in'em,
Since beer haven't been able to do the trick of changing this reality I'm in for reals...
Dark thoughts,
Fucking nightmares,
Hugging bears with knives and shit...
Have been my reality for the last 3 or 4 years...
I've made friends with'em cuz they make me feel alive and real
For I really can't seem to differentiate
Between what is real and what is not,
Cuz i haven't been real even to myself in all these years...
No talent,
Ain't got skills,
Too sensitive like a fucking girl,
Being unable to express myself,
Being not good for nothing,
I really do suck ass...
I've been this coward,
Who's been a burden to my family and my friends who have never complained
And still are cool with me even if i am luring them into the gain of my needs like a cruel ass manipulator...
Have got nothing,
Ain't nor a help to anyone,
Always asking for this and that from everyone...
Man, how much i hate my life, myself and the fact of me being in this world...
Everyone will be fine and do better without my lazy ass,
Crazy ass,
And fucked up existence...
And that's one of the few things I'm real sure of...