Demons

When I close my eyes tonight,
Down my dreams the demons will start to fight...
Whither comes, there goes my life
The way I scream in my dreams's so might
This pathetic life's not a pleasant sight
But a site filled with broken sighs
In the moonlit grave i cry
Staring past the past of my life
Why am I here am i tonight?
Spit on my own grave I,
Ponder to myself I,
That I myself am a huge piece of shite!!!

And in the weary dreams i drown
Heavy is my head right now,
So i bow down to each & every one on my way down
Even when i should pass down a frown,
To them clowns...

Every man dreams of something when they grow
But my dreams are broken and gone a long ago
I had this dream of me,
Die smiling,
Reminiscing all the dreams i achieved...
But Fuck me, i've got nothing & I'm just a useless being😂

Miserable is the life that good for nothing
So imma shut this thing called life down, I'm killing
Myself bit by bit & it's feeling,
So good that i feel so happy and im alive

While every human craves a good life
Here i am craving for painful cries
I cut myself and i silently cry
Heavy are the sighs with blood
Flowing thru my hands, nose and my dry mouth,
Frowning at them blood streams and drowning in'em dark memories...
I'm drowning in my thoughts with them demons weighing me further down,
Deep into the fiery pits of hell!

Ohh Death; The Sweetest Friend O' Mine

It calls me closer, it calls me near
"Just once and it'll be over"
Death whispers in my ear
Irresistible is its sweet entice
Staring down, which one to slice,
I observe my previous tries
My unseen hurt and earlier cries
Whether it's depression or something else,
I dunno why i feel this way...
Many will call this many a names,
Yet i dunno what i feel inside my brain...
No peace in my mind, no peace in my head
The quiet intelligent me, long since fled
Anger and rage consume me
My mind's demons are screaming to be free
The walls of my mind's cage keeps getting caved in...
"Just be still,
Enjoy the rush,
Feel the gush
Of warm and thick and red blood"
I slash down with an improvised knife
First the right wrist,
Then the left...
Blood oozes
And drips down the drain...
A slight tingle with real enjoyable pain,
Once was one layer of skin and a layer of muscle...
Now a fold of muscles apart with a bottom of yellowish pink, the layer of fat i guess!
A Calmness comes over me
My head feels heavy,
I get dizzy and legs go weak...
Both my hands become numb...
Darkness surrounds me,
I get a glimpse of this never ending abyss
I embrace the darkness,
Where me and my thoughts are alone...
I light up a cigarette sit down on the lidded toilet seat...
Writing my thoughts in empty space,
With the smoke as it leaves my lips...
And the journal for today is taken down
When atleast 4 or 5 cigarettes were burnt down...
There goes another day of my never ending shitty life...
Fuck me 😂😂😂

Being Miserable

If you cant look
Forward to tomorrow...
What's the point of today?
I want to leave this earth,
But all these fucking bonds are
Making me stay...
The angel of death has
Been breathing down my neck
Since i got to this fucking place...
And these voices in my head
Are getting too loud to ignore...
And the pain is getting too much to bear...
All this hatred,  regrets
And sorrow is turning
Me into this beast,
That i didn't even know
That i had in me...
Regretting and digging knives into my arms...
This act is starting to get real old...
I need something to start afresh...
Maybe a new life...
I think i've gotta bid my farewell to my kins i love...

The Painter I Am

My wrist, my canvas
My blade, my paintbrush
Across my flesh
A stroke of red
Dripping down
Thoughts of guilt
My wrist of scars
My canvas of blood
Such pretty strokes
OmyGoodness;
Such painful thoughts...

Days

He knows bad days.
Bad days take him completely by surprise.
They make him not trust
The good days
Because it's likely something
Is lurking twenty-four hours away...

The Reverse Nightmare

What happened when you woke up?"
"I was having a dream. I don’t know what it was, but when I woke up, I had this awful realization that I was awake. It hit me like a brick in the groin."
"Like a brick in the groin, I see."
"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."
And what is that nightmare, Craig?"
"Life."
"Life is a nightmare."
"Yes."

     

              -Vizzini

Inside This MessedUp Mind

It's like I have this large
Black hole in my brain...
And it's sucking the life out of me.
The answers are in there somewhere...
So I sit for hours and stare.
But no matter how hard and long I look,
I only see darkness, even at noon... 🖕

Me Avoiding Me Friends

I wanted to tell people,
"My depression is acting up today"
As an excuse for not seeing them,
But I never managed to pull it off...
So here i am...
Looking like a looser,
Who wanna be in his dark and gloomy room,
On a fine Sunday morning...

The Shift

The Shift is coming.
The Shift has to be coming.
Because if I keep living like this,
I'll Fucking die...

Begging to Feel Something

It’s not only about sadness.
In truth, sadness really has very little
To do with it.
Depression is pain and state of regret
In their purest forms...
And I would do anything
To be able to feel an emotion again...
Any emotion at all.
Pain is an emotion, i can feel it alright,
And it hurts,
But pain is so powerful,
That you can’t feel anything anymore,
Not even pain itself...
And
That’s when you start to feel
Like you’re going crazy...

Nevertheless,  a feeling at last... 😂😂😂

Depression Definition

Perhaps depression
Is caused by;
Asking oneself too many
Unanswerable questions...