Thoughts 🖕

I know, when people kill themselves,
They think that they are ending the pain 😂🖕
But all they are doing is, passing it on to those they leave behind;
Who were actually so close to them!!!
Cuz the person who completes suicide,
Dies once...
But those who he/she leaves behind, die a thousand deaths;
Trynna relive those terrible moments trying to understand why...
See i know it's an act of fucking selfishness...
Cuz it is way more worse than killing another man...
Cuz the man who kills a man just kills a man.
But the man who kills himself kills all men;
As far as he is concerned,
He wipes out an entire world;
A whole universe's existence comes to an end...
Including all the people, all the animals
and all the gods and beliefs which once existed in his world...
If you come to think of it,
There's a terrible yet a deep concept in it to grasp...
And that's why i won't ever act on the thought of killing myself,
But keep it as an option just to keep my inner peace and sanity intact ...
I mean Thinking about not being here anymore;
Having not to deal with the stress...
It soothes the fuck outta me....
I find it very comforting that the option of suicide will always be there for me.
So, when I think that I will end up killing myself one day,
That thought alone puts me at ease...
So, for me, the notion of suicide is my escape plan if things get worse.
I know...
It's a strange thing to know that it's always gonna be there for me.
There's always an option you know?
I like the thought of it.
Whenever I'm at my worst,
And when it becomes the Mental Olympics to get out of
Bed and move through another day,
The realization that everything could come to a halt whenever I wish, is the ultimate comfort...
I mean, this thought makes me feel like i have the ultimate control over my life...
And life can't do shit to me, but i cud end it right here,  right now if i needed...
That's a great consolation...
Actually when i come to think of it,
I feel like thinking about death is the only thing that makes me happy anymore;
In fact it's the only thing that makes me feel anything for real at all in this pathetic excuse for my worthless existence...
I know, I don't think you trust
In my self-righteous suicide...
But tell me; Nobody who is alive asked to be born right?
Not me,  not you, not anyone...
And we all are allowed to dislike anything in life; Except for life itself... Which i find too damn odd!!!
We can say good bye to anything or anyone;
Never to be seen, never to be touched or never to be heard from again...But life...
On a funny note; Being able to kill yourself is kind of a gift... you can do anything and get away with it, i mean anything 😂😂😂
I know i know... It's a bit dark, but also kind of inspiring, ain't it!?
Anyways i have been very close three times...
But this shrink, made me realise that,
I would be throwing my problems in the face of my parents, my siblings and the others.
So I returned...
And I no longer feel comforted by the thought of leaving my parents and brothers devasted for their life just because of me...
That feeling is more terribly intense than the comfort I find in actually doing it.
But every birthday, i know I am one step closer to the finish line.
So i use this method to stay away from actually doing it!
Anyways to all the fuckers who don't understand the mentality level of a suicidal person... It ain't about their IQ level, neither it is about reasoning... It could happen to anyone... So this so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill him/herself doesn’t do so because death seems suddenly appealing...
The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill him/herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise.
Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows.
Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant.
The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors.
It’s not about desiring the fall; it’s the terror of the burning and flames.
And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump.
Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt the very same flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.
And for finding comfort in the thought of suicide;
Let's say you're a jet pilot.
If the plane catches on fire - even at the enemy territory -
It's still an immense comfort to know that you'll always have the eject button beside you.
Nevertheless the sequence of series of events which are to take place with getting interrogated, tortured and finally getting killed by your barbaric terrorists...
So it's like this saying...
"The thought of suicide is a great consolation;
By means of it, one gets through many a dark night.”
But still it's also so scary sometimes; for I know I will do it one day.
Cuz i know deep inside that the thought of suicide is just balm on a very raw wound...
And if You do too...
But You really love and care for your parents and if you really wanna show that to your parents and Siblings...  Just don't say that you'd die for'em...
Instead stay alive for'em... Hang on for the sake of their happiness, for their lives!!!
I am just talking to myself here 😂😂😂
#fml

Entrapped

Even If They Say " It's Gonna Be Alright"
Still They Can Hear Me Say,
That i Want To End My Life...
i Guess Noone Has Much To Worry About It,
For, If i Really Wanted To KiLL Meself,
i Would've Done It Already...
This Is Just Nothing, But Talk & Talk...
i Guess That Is True Though..
Cuz i Got This One Reason,
That i Can't Leave
As It Demands For My Payback One-day...
But Still;
Now & Again i Try Just to Stay Alive,
Cuz The Thought
That The Life i Had Once
Won't Be Mine Ever Again
Is Eating Me Alive,
And It Is Waging A War Inside My Head
&
It Keeps Pulling,
My Mind Towards This,
Pit Of Dark Thoughts...
Where It Makes Me Wanna
Fuck MySelf Up For Good!!!

In Love With The Thought of Suicide

If I commit suicide,
It will not be to destroy myself
But to put myself back together again.
Suicide will be for me
Only one means of violently reconquering myself,
Of brutally invading my being,
Of anticipating the
Unpredictable approaches
Of my inner soul.
By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature,
I shall for the first time
Give things the shape of my will!!!

-Antonin

a MeLess World

If i wasn't here tomorrow

Would anybody care?

If my time was up,

I'd wanna know

You were happy i was there...

If i wasn't here tomorrow

Would anyone lose sleep?

If i wasn't hard and hollow

Then maybe You would miss me

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone

Someone that I like better

I can never forget

So don't remind me of it forever

What if I just pulled myself together?

Would it matter at all?

What if I just tried not to remember?

Would it matter at all?

All the chances that have passed me by

Would it matter if I gave it one more try?

Would it matter at all!!!

Principles We Live By

I had this principle that i lived up to, that never ever to invest too much emotion in one thing or one person...
Cuz deep inside i knew it's always gonna be a setup to the pain of loosing them...
Maybe that idea being conceived in the farthest inceptive corner of my perception had to do something with the Buddhist background of my childhood and schooling days...
Them teachings...
"You only loose what you cling into!!!",  or
"Nothing is permanent, everything is subject to change, being is always becoming...",  or
"The root of suffering is attachment..."!!!
These were, are and always will be true!!!
Cuz when You grow up,
You realize that life always plays these dirty, nasty and horrible tricks on us humans even when we become fully humane with all our heart, all our souls and with all our capacity and potential... 
First i couldn't help but broke the first part of this principle when i started to fall in love and dream about Range Rovers...
And then Dodge Chargers and muStangs...
So um still fucked up in my head cuz i have no idea when will i ever be able to buy all three of'em... Lol!!!
And then lately,  actually recently,  I became so damn helpless,  i couldn't stood by the latter part of this principle too, hence broken the whole principle...
Man,  I Love Her for Who She is... 
She is this adorable cute little Princess, 
Who's got a bad temper,  yet gentle in heart...
Looks So hot yet adorable,  cute,  pure and genuine in Her big heart at the same time... 
Talks and inspires people without even thinking and worrying about Her own problems...
Atleast She does not show'em problems to others and does not infect people around Her with Her sadness... 
She does not even care for Her hapinness when it comes to the feelings of others'...
She'd sacrifice,  She'd compromise,  She'd dedicate Her everything even for the sake of the happiness of a person who'd destroy Her life,  who'd make Her suffer,  who'd do Her wrong again & again... And still would love that person with all Her heart...
She'd return him with nor avenge neither with revenge...
But with Her own life...
Literally she'd make that person happy and make sure that person's gonna stay happy for the rest of his life...
Just for the sake of that person's hapinness and Her kinsmen's happiness... 
Actually i wonder and ponder for myself... Is this really a human being or a deity or an angel who's disguised in human form...
Only does she and god will ever know... 
How could have i resisted the company of her... 
How could have i stayed without ever talking to her... 
I knew i didn't deserve her... I still know that... 
Cuz i know damn well that i am not her type... I don't have the figure to make me look sexy enough in her eyes... 
I am not funny and great at making her laugh... 
I do not have the wealth to make her happy and buy things that would make her smile... 
So i just only wanted to be just friends with her...
So i started it off without even giving a second thought about that damn principle...
Back then i did not have the minutest clue that this girl will change everything around my life into this happy cheerful and joyful state!!!
So here i am now... 
Being loved,  while She feels guilty upon this deed of She loving me... 
Showering Her with Love,  yet i am not having the right to Love Her soul that much... 
Happy,  yet deep burried in uncertainty...
Relaxed,  but without knowing how long it'll last...
Inspired,  yet oblivion to whatever's gonna take place in the universes of ours,  mine and hers... 
Willing to do whatever it takes to make Her mine,  yet both hands are tied by all the above things... 
So here i am... Gazing at the future...
Waiting to embrace what it has to offer for us...
Day by day,  hour by hour,  minute by minute, second by second.... Fractions of moments by moments... 
I really hope it's gonna be a great future...
Me and her
For ever and ever
Life after other... Together,  forever... 💜💜💜 

HOPE...

HOPE...
It can make u feel alive
&
It can give meaning to your life
Or
A reason for you to live,
To carry on... 

Yet, it is lethal...
For HOPE could leave you devastated when it goes sideways... 

Cuz that hope... 
Maybe it was all you've left with to live for...

So when that HOPE is gone too, 
You become HOPELESS,
And you'll feel worthless,
Useless
&
Miserable... 

Cuz you'll have nothing to live for anymore... 

Yet deep inside,
Your soul will still keep trynna search
&
Reach for A NEW HOPE... 

But when it hits you that, 
You could only find a new HOPE
Which would leave you in this same exact 
Devastated state again... 
Where you will be left to regret for life...

You force your soul to give in to the "bliss" of HOPELESSNESS...
And it does...

It gives up searching for HOPE...

And You become HOPELESS for eternity...
And You'll become a would be suicide...
A walking corpse... 
A Living Corpse 😂

That Wall....

She is this cute smartass lass
Who doesn't show any of her deep dark playful desires
Or the pains that make her suffer
& make her cry some nights to sleep... 

To any of her amigos... 

There is this thick badass wall
Which she has built up around her,
Which makes her mind and heart
Impenetrable by any form of the cupid himself... 

Yet sometimes
She becomes mad
When some lunatic calls out for her past

And one could win her trust back
By really understanding and treating her
The way a caring big brother
Treats his loving adorable little sister...

And Yea someone did...
Someone won her trust and she gave all of her to him,
Trusting him to keep that faith and to live as lovers do...

But alas,
He fucked it up,
He betrayed her trust in himself...

So she lamented and felt ashamed of herself
For trusting another guy and
For letting him to move inside those walls
Without having the slightest clue
That he is gonna make her feel this way someday... 

So she builds that wall heavier than before 
& strengthens it in a way that
Noone could ever penetrate it 
Neither from outside nor from inside... 
Not even herself would ever be able
To let down that wall ever again....

iSolation

Living in isolation...

Travelling alone, 

Visiting new Places,

Experiencing new feelings...

God, sometimes i think it is the life a man could enjoy, than going out and talking bullshit with fake People!!!

When your trusted ones aint around you anymore

There is only one soul u cud trust, to hangout, to have a sincere talk with...

That's noone else, but you

You know everything about yourself, you are the only one who knows exactly what's going on in ur life, how you cope up with the shit that world throws at you

These isolated times let you to cruise thru this deep and calm analysis of ur inner soul

To think of all the wrong decisions you've made recently, not to regret and moan but to ponder about how they all went wrong and to remake them plans!!!

And to think of the universe beyond & yonder your perception!!!! 

That is not killing or wasting time, but nourishing your soul with the solitude and peace which are lack and cannot be found around the world you are living in today!!!

So no, it aint pathetic for u to stay apart and disconnect with the fake people from your soul once in a while...

It is you feeding your soul with good vibes and conversing with your old soul which has travelled across bilions of eras and to seek advice from its very own experiences from his own ere lives...

Hey Old Man...

Hey old man, i dunno what ur story is...

Maybe u were a veteran who made sure we lived a life without having to worry about those terrible terrorists

or

Maybe u were a farmer who harvested food for us to dine happily with our families,

or

Maybe u were a man who had so many hardships in ur ere life and now jz reliving in those hardships u had to go thru...

or

Maybe, just maybe u were just an ordinary man who did lead a peaceful suffering less life and still a happy old man...,

Yet when i saw u, when i saw ur visage, i was sure u were waiting for someone in that bus stop, not for just a bus to come along to fetch u home...

Cuz the way u kept staring at nowhere, the way u sighed at the sight of young men and women... um sure they took u down a memory lane that did fetch u to ur younger years... i hope u were waiting for ur child to come to fetch u and i truly hope that he/she sure will show up infronta u...that is my wish for you old man... 

so that u wont have to worry and think of ur younger years but to live with him in his younger years... i really hope it was all u hope for and that it would make u real happy!!!! 💜💜💜

Beauty & Me

Her cute giggles and smiles, quench my tearless dried tired eyes 

Without the minute effort

Her irressistible dulcet lustful cheerful voice, fills my bored still monotonous ears, 

Like if the elixir is being poured into a desereted man in a blazing fatal desert

The incomparable unique beauty in her physique, makes it beat my dried up, bloodless liveless heart so fast, 

Like a crimson la ferrari does in a race track

Her infant like pure plus everlasting innocent soul, lightens up my darkned,hopeless, helpless soul

Her exceeding, never ending patience plus kindness of a goddess, is the lullaby to my bad tempered, hatred,impatient thoughts

Her intellectual, smart, cheerful and witty mind, my confused shitlessly scared worried mind

Her soft and warm, divinely smooth skin, my rough and cold, cruelly hardened palms

Her crimson luscious fleshy lips my somking darkendd dried up lips...

Dude, iv gotta find this lass man...  😂😂😂

An Irish Wish 💜❤️💜

I wish not a path devoid of clouds,

Nor a life on a bed of roses;

Not that you might never regret

Not that you should never feel pain

No!!! That is not my wish for you!!! 

My wish for you is;

That you might be brave in times of trial, 

When others lay crosses upon your shoulders, 

When mountains must be climbed and chasms are to be crossed, 

When hope scarce can shine thru

That every gift god gave you might grow along with you... 

And let you give the gift of joy, to all who care for you, 

That you may always have a FRIEND who is worth that name, 

Whom you can trust, 

And who helps you in times of sadness!!!
💜💜💜